“I feel like I am ready’, I confidently informed my wife.
“Ready for what”, she replied, without taking her eyes off the television extravaganza that was The Crown.
“Ready to step up in our pre-holiday preparation. I have watched you, no admired you and the meticulous way you plan, prepare and deliver on our behalf. I am ready”. Cometh the hour, cometh the man.
“Well you can start by going to the supermarket”. Again, eyes not drifting from a youthful looking Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip on the television.
I kind of had something a little bit more exciting in mind than going to the supermarket. I suppose all of the exciting ‘stuff’ was done, considering we were only 24 hours from hitting the ocean waves. But if it was the supermarket she wanted, it was the supermarket she got. I will serve. I will deliver. Which actually sounds like a line straight from The Crown.
You see, over the years, we have each had our little jobs. Like most folk, I suppose. Now, admittedly, if I was to be brutally honest, my wife takes control of all the important stuff. I tell myself it’s because she enjoys it, likes the responsibility. But in my heart of hearts, it’s probably because she doesn’t really and truly trust me to get the job done. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.
Anyway, supermarket it was, strutting through the front doors like a man who had been promoted in the family household hierarchy. Feeling confident. Feeling good. I made the various purchases – all holiday related – and with this new found confidence, made my way to the self-serve section. Yes, the same self-serve process that I have a 100% record of utter failure. I kind of turn into a living Mr Bean when in front of these things.
You see, my problem is simple. I fall down at the first hurdle, every single time. I can never remember which side the bag (or no bag) should be. And today is no different. I dread hearing that automated voice that screams out ‘unexpected item in the bagging area’. But where exactly is the bagging area – is it to the left, or the right? And even when I do get it right, I seem to get it wrong.
And whilst this automated voice seems to be getting louder, I start talking back, arguing with a machine. And all the while, I am unable to scan the sun cream. I turn it left. I turn it right. Upside down. Shake it like a cocktail. Nothing.
Then the moment of utter failure. The following words appear on screen: ‘A store assistant will be with you shortly’. Big red light flashing.
Here was me, stepping up to the plate with regards to holiday preparation and I cannot even serve myself.
Back home, holiday items successfully purchased (I kept the ongoing self-serve battle to myself). Just in time for us, as a family, to undertake our online observed Covid testing on Zoom. Pass our tests and we are going on holiday the next day. And now I would like to give you all a little piece of advice, if you ever find yourself in this position, nervously taking a test in front of a complete on-screen stranger watching your every move. Make sure you keep the little testing vial with the liquid at arm’s length. The last thing you want to experience is the feeling of wetness on your shorts, and a death stare from Mrs Ewing that I will never, ever, ever forget. I passed the test.
The Covid test. I failed the rest.
Hope you have had a lovely summer. Till next month!
Photo by <a href=”https://stockcake.com/s?q=bagging%20area”>Stockcake</a>
